In 6th grade and already 5’8″, my dream of ever being the short, cute girl was squashed like a pumpkin being chucked the week after Halloween.
This was it, I rationalized. Despite all my futile prayers, my lot in life was going to be the tall, awkward girl that towered over the boys. In middle school, this can be a real blow to your ego.
Plus, add on this fact that I apparently never used my height in any real, productive way…
No, I don’t play basketball…
No, I’m not on the track team…
Yes, cute boy who is my lab partner, I can reach that thing on the top shelf...(okay so sometimes it was productive).
For years, I kept my distance from boys and for a laundry list of reasons (one of which was my height), I never really dated and certainly didn’t have any serious, long-term relationships.
Even at prom my junior year, I went with a friend but had to take my shoes off to dance with him.
So after I graduated high school (and gained two more inches) and went on to college, I resolved that any man who was going to be the love of my life needed to meet several very specific criteria:
Love God above all else
Worship his family the way I do mine.
Want a family of his own.
Be taller than me.
Superficial huh? On that last one…but I couldn’t help it. It just had to be that way.
I wanted…no, I needed…someone that could make me feel small. Or at the very least, smaller than him.
Fast forward 15+ years and here I am, married to that man. He met all of my criteria (and more). He was honestly the only man I have ever loved and the only one I actually saw myself making a life with.
And at 6’2″ he beat my 5’10” by 4 good inches.
And in his presence I felt small.
But in so many more ways than just my physical height.
I have learned that with him, I feel small in so many wonderful ways.
He makes me feel safe.
He towers over me just enough to show me he is my protector. With Bryan, I can feel like the weak one sometimes and that it’s okay to be as much.
In a world of non-stop fear, Bryan has shown me that in the grand scheme of things, we are still just specks on the earth (VERY important specks but specks nonetheless). And that whatever comes my way, millions of people before me have dealt with is and so can I.
In a very fundamental way, Bryan has made me feel small by creating a family with me. Our two beautiful daughters have shown me that I am a small part in God’s much bigger wheel. And that as much as it destroys me to think about, they will go on even when I no longer am here. My role is to make my mark now on their lives and leave impressions on their hearts that will last long beyond my years.
So yes, my husband has made me feel small in both the way I envisioned and in ways I now wish for my own daughters to feel years from now.
And I’ve realized over the years that what I longed for for so many years – the need to feel small, to feel vulnerable, to feel safe…maybe these are the same things so many of you long for too.
Despite our size…no matter our age or lot in life. So here’s to you and hoping you too have found someone who makes you feel small.
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