Here’s a post you won’t see much on a parenting blog…Why My Kids Don’t Have Chores! Can you imagine?! I think I can literally hear parents gasping across the web now!
In this day and age of increasing responsibility for our little ones, I realize I’m in a very small minority of moms who don’t give age-appropriate chores.
What, you may wonder, would make me take such a different stance when I see all my friend’s Pinterest boards filling up with cheat sheets for age appropriate chores and ways to teach your kids to help out around the house.
Well, the reason is two-fold.
One, like most people, my biggest influencer in my decision is history. Growing up, my mom and dad didn’t give us chores. Don’t get me wrong – we were expected to do simple things like clear our plates from the table, put away our clothes, clean up any toys we pulled out. But to me, those are simple manners, not chores.
READ MORE HERE FOR ANOTHER PARENTING RULE I LEARNED FROM MY MOM
I never thought this was strange though my friends did! They wondered how they could get in on my family’s arrangement! But for us it was normal and as a young child, I didn’t really question the reasoning.
But as I got older and especially after I was grown and had moved out of my parent’s house, my mom shared with me her philosophy on not giving us chores. And honestly, it was so sweet and heartfelt that as a mom, I can’t help but feel the exact same way.
She told me – “Hillary, the reason I have never given you chores is that, from where I sit, your job as a child is to BE a child. To enjoy the simple things. To play. To laugh. To have fun. To enjoy this carefree state for as long as you can. To focus on school and extracurriculars. To find a hobby you love. To encourage your passions in life. To own the responsibility the world will throw at you even from a young age. But not to throw more at you by creating mundane lists of things you need to “do” at home.”
Isn’t that awesome? She let me and my sisters just BE and enjoy our youth. She knew that there would be plenty of time for making beds, and setting tables, and washing clothes.
She also knew there would be many years of us doing it not only for ourself, but for our own little babies as well.
So she just let us enjoy our time – focus on friends and school and all the stresses that come with youth and adolescence – peer pressure, fitting in, dating, and on and on and on.
All the while, Mom cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed the house, washed and ironed our clothes, and cooked for us (among a million other things).
And guess what? Among my friends, I am the Neat Freak house keeper. I know how to clean toilets, and make beds, and sort and wash laundry. I cook a pretty decent meal and can bake a mean cheesecake. I figured out sweeping, vacuuming and mopping when the time came.
I lived in dorm rooms and shared apartments with friends and not once did a roommate feel I wasn’t an equal partner in housekeeping duties. If anything, I always felt I was doing more than my fair share a lot of the time!
And my 2nd reason for not giving my kids chores is this: Just as their job is to be a child, I feel my job is to be their mom. And included in that definition (for me) is to do all the things that would preclude them from doing their job!
So my point here is this: Moms who create chore lists for their kids are not bad moms. Mom who don’t create chore lists are not slacker moms who are raising irresponsible children.
It’s just two different approaches to parenting and I think we have all figured out by now there isn’t any one “right” way of parenting.
So make chore lists for your kids…or don’t! But make that decision based on what you feel is right for your kiddos. Not because you think they won’t respect you (I respect my own mom more than anyone on the face of this earth). Or because you think they won’t “figure” it out…because trust me, they will!
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Oh my gosh! Totally how I felt! Glad I am not alone! My mom did this. And I am doing the same for my daughter. They can learn when they leave. Now, I ask my 12 years old daughter to vacuum when I needed help. She would do it. But she does have the responsibility to clean her room by every Friday. Gives her freedom to decide when to do it.
That’s how we were growing up too! I am a huge proponent of basic manners and tidyness!
Playing and being a child is fine but our job is not to provide 24/7 entertainment but to teach our kids how to be happy and love to serve and work. Work can be fun – feeling accomplished is a big self esteem builder. Feeling strong and being able to take care of your family and self is a big part of what life is about
I appreciate your comment and it’s okay that we aren’t on the same page!
I really enjoyed reading this article and all honesty that came with its so personal to share our parenting ways especially with the world. I stand for everything this article has to say. Let them be kids, in our home once school is up for the day we have loads of fun and I just love to give my time and do everything for my kids. My biggest reward is my kids. Im going to enjoy every kiss, clean every mess have play dates & lots of parties.
Thank you!! We have lots of messy days here as well and there’s not a day that I regret my choice!
“our job is not to provide 24/7 entertainment but to teach our kids how to be happy and love to serve and work.”
Children do not need to be taught how to be happy. The best way for a parent to have children who love to serve, is to be a beautiful example of service to their children, to others. Not because they have to, or expected to, but because they genuinely are serving from their hearts. That can not be taught. That can be learned though.
Work is always going to be there, and it can be learned at such varying ages and stages of life. It does not need to be scheduled and forced for a person to be able to do so. If the work is pertinent and interesting, a child will choose it for the sake of the doing and being part of something they beneficial for their own purpose. Toddlers are a great example of this in practice. Just because a child may not choose to do “work” as a child, does not mean they won’t be able to, willing to, or responsibly choosing to do so as an adult.
Humans are pretty cool that way. When they have a choice, and it has meaning to their lives, they do things that they may not otherwise want to do. The attitudes that adults express (verbally and non verbally are also very impactful messages to children in regard to work (the drudgery usually) in and of itself. Work can be fun. It can be tedious, it can be hard, and sometimes it is not always as “necessary” as some people purport it to be.
Thank you so much for your comments! I too learned to love the “work” of the house not because I was made to do it as a child but because I saw the value in it and saw my own mom’s example. I believe my children will do the same without me giving them chore lists at a young age.
I know where you’re coming from (and good luck to you for putting this unique perspective out there!): My mom did everything for us as well, and all of us — girls and boys — are fantastic housekeepers and cooks. It takes a special kind of mom to pull that off without raising lazy, dirty jerks. (I’m not confident in my ability to do that, so my kids do loads of chores.)
Thanks Carissa for your comment! The great thing about it is there are so many different ways to handle it (along with every other thing about parenting LOL!) that we get to do it differently and still raise great kids! I’m so glad you understood where I was coming from!
this is wonderful! Your mother was very generous and gave you something so special in your childhood!
I totally agree. I have 5 kids from 12 down to 3. I have expected my kids to take care of themselves as age appropriate (i.e. clearing their dishes, then rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher when they can do that, put away their clothes, pick up their toys). I follow the everything has a place and everything goes in its place. If I keep a place for everything and they know where it is, They abide. If they want to be able to find something, they can. I do ask for help to do things here and there (sweep, unload dishwasher) as I need help. I haven’t been a fan of bribery either. As far as paying for doing their part in the home (chores or manners). I recently asked my dad how he raised us, because I didn’t remember chores. He said the same thing. We were expected to self care/responsibilities before we were allowed to do certain things. The main reward is feeling good it was done and the reward of having a clean place. Some days I am worn out and think a chore list might lighten my load, but I feel too much like your mom. They hopefully will appreciate a clean home and work beside me in some that they will do the same themselves. My kids are very responsible and are organized at school and tidy at friends…something is working.
Thanks Amanda! I am completely for being responsible for your own space and mess. And yes, it would be easier if my girls had “chores”…but this is the time they won’t get back!
Cool idea! I have a 2 and a half year old and one baby due any minute. I like your family’s way of doing things and had one question for you. When did your mom teach you about how to do laundry, cook, make beds etc. I agree that it’s better not to make a list and burden kids so did she teach you just before you left for college? How did she go about having you learn?
Congratulations on your baby on the way!! It’s so funny because, as I’m sure you’ve noticed Julie with your little one, our kids are always watching us. Even though my mom never required me to cook, clean, etc, I was always watching her. Sometimes I helped, sometimes I just watched… but the whole time, I was picking up the skills along the way. So when it came time for me to be on my own, I knew just what to do!
That’s how I learned to make Jelly and can. Just by eTching. When mom died I knew what to do with the grapes, and plums dad raised.
OMG!!! fINALLY!!!! I’M NOT ALONE ON THIS!!! THAT’S EXACTLY MY POINT!!
I HAVE 5 KIDS FROM 1 TO 11 YRS. AND I’M RAISING THEM THIS WAY BECAUSE I, MYSELF HAD TO WORK LIKE A SLAVE WHEN I WAS A CHILD!! MY MOM FORCED US TO DO ALL THE CHORES THAT WERE ACTUALLY HER JOB – COOKING, CLEANING, DOING HOMEWROKS WITH OUR YOUNGER SIBLINGS, LOOKING AFTER THEM, BABY-SITTING ETC. ETC. I ALWAYS SAY THAT IS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I HAD CHILDREN LATE …
AND THAT’S WHY I WANT MY KIDS TO BE KIDS AND ME&MY HUSBAND TO BE PARENTS!
GREETINGS FROM EUROPE 🙂
Thanks Ivana! So many people don’t understand our take on the whole chore thing but it has been very important to me that I raise my girls that way since before I had girls!!
I think that your parenting is a good way to influence your kids by showing them a role model for sacrifice and servitude. They will see you work for them and serve them out of love so they will do the same for others through following your example. Of course all kids are different and it might not work for all kids, but some may benefit by being brought up this way because they are presented with a role model for a servant heart.
Yes yes yes! A loving sacrifice!
I agree. I feel as a parient it’s my job to do those things. I do ask my 14 yr old to help wash up and he is a scout so knows how to cook ND wash up anyway as he must do these on camp. My Daughter asks me how she can help and even asked for a list. So on her list I put things like play with your toys, pack your toys away. She loves setting the table and giving out meals so when she asks if she can I never say no. My husband makes me so grumpy when he is home and I am at work and he dosn’t do any house work (I do feel dads should help mums too unless mum dosn’t work) and then he tell the kids to do things like wash up that he should have done while I was working
I expect my husband to help out too! We may split a lot of the chores in terms of indoors/outdoors but he has to help!
My children (14 and 17) have never had “chores”. Even the word “chore” is not used at our house. my husband and I have always impressed upon our children the importance of consideration of others in the household and basically not leaving messes for others to deal with. personal responsibility is emphasized in our household. as my children have become teenagers, time management skills are more important than ever. although school is the priority, they also have to take care of personal responsibilities, such as their own laundry. There is no chart or schedule, but if they want to have clean clothes they have to manage their own schedule and find the time to do laundry. i work full time and attend college part time so it is simply not fair to expect me to do everything. I was never assigned “chores” as a child but my mother never worked outside of the home. I stayed home with mine when they were younger and it was OK for me to do everything. i am curious…where are the dads in all of this? are they excused from household responsibilities?
Thanks Tonya for your comments! I believe that whatever works best for each family is the system that should be used…in ours we don’t have chores but my kids are (and will be) expected to clean up after themselves in basic ways. Otherwise our house would be a mess 24/7 lol! But for example with you in school and working (which kudos to you btw because that is a true testament to your dedication!!!) I think you have found a great system that works in your family! Yay for you guys!
I APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS SO MUCH. i AGREE WITH YOUR THINKING. i HAVE ALWAYS WANTED MY CHILDREN TO BE CHILDREN. i WANT THEM TO GROW AND BECOME WONDERFUL YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN AS THEY HAVE IN MY OPINION, mY FRIENDS ARE ALL VERY ORGANIZED AND EVERYTHING IS PERFECT IN THEIR HOMES. i ON THE OTHER HAND AM AN ORGANIZED AND SOMETIMES UNORGANIZED MESS. I WOULD RATHER SIT IN MY FAMILY ROOM AND LISTEN TO THE CONVERSATIONS OF MY CHILDREN. tHE MEMORIES WE ARE MAKING ARE NOT WORTH PERFECTION IN MY HOME. MY CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS HELPFUL WHEN WE HAVE A CLEANING DAY OR NEED TO HELP GRANDPARENTS BUT I DON’T HAVE A SPECIFIC CHORE LIST. tHEY HAVE THE REST OF THEIR LIVES TO WORK. fOR NOW THEY CAN JUST BE CHILDREN. bLESSINGS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!
Totally agree! Their youth is and should be the most carefree time in their life! There are years and years that they can catch up on to-do lists =)
http://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2016/01/05/overparenting-5-recovery-steps-from-a-former-stanford-dean/
I can see how one would argue that kids will learn by example… you as a woman learned from watching your mother do all the work growing up. What about boys? They will grow up expecting that once they get married their wife will be doing everything for them. Times are changing, and studies show that boys who watch their dads involved in housework, and kids who grow up doing household chores end up being more successful adults. I highly recommend these books:
More than Happy:
http://www.amazon.com/More-than-Happy-Wisdom-Parenting/dp/1476753407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453052962&sr=8-1&keywords=more+than+happy+the+wisdom+of+amish+parenting
fatherneed:
http://www.amazon.com/Fatherneed-Father-Essential-Mother-Child/dp/076790737X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453053029&sr=8-1&keywords=fatherneed
Thanks Kara for your book suggestions! I agree that that boys should not get a pass on learning chores and if I were raising sons, I would have the same philosophy but believe they would “observe and learn” the same way I did (and I expect my girls to). Just as I tell my girls that mom loves to mow the grass and do other “boy” things. Thank you for following along!
Hi, I don’t agree. I know a family – 2 sons & 2 daughters, all of them adults now, and their mom did everything for them (she’s great and very loving mom), but now, the girls for example can’t cook/bake so much, they don’t have a relationship with housework and the guy are not very helpful either. i believe it depends greatly on the personality.
Thanks Monica for following along! One thing that worked well for me (and I do with my own children) is the art of imitation. I have found that kids are watching/copying you even when you don’t think they are. Just by watching my mom, I learned so much through the years. But you are right, what works for one family doesn’t always work for the next!
I absolutely love this childhood philosophy….we didn’t have chores either, we asked if we could help, if we liked the look of whatever the thing was our parents were doing….e.g ironing, gardening etc…but we had no set chores…just tidy our rooms and put toys away….so refreshing to hear others feel the same…my son is almost five and he asks if he can help dust, Hoover, dig the garden….*until the novelty inevitably wares off! …..I say to him enjoy being a child, it’s just a short window of time, you are a grown up for so very long!
Agreed! The time passes so quickly..they have their whole life to do chores!
i had to comment because i loved this post So much … my mum had us do so many chores that I now loathe housework. i was required to wash dishes, iron all the families clothes, help spring clean, cook family meals etc. to be honest, sometimes as a child i resented that she did it. as an adult i understand that she raised us that way as both mum and dad worked full-time jobs and they needed the help, but i can’t help feeling sometimes as though she took my childhood from me and expected me to be an adult way before i had to be.
like your mum, i’ve always believed that children should be children. and i’ve raised my daughter the opposite to my upbringing, and i’m so happy that i have. she has a couple of very small chores (put the garbage out, keep her own room tidy, take care of her cat) but for the most part i do everything else, which admittedly is exhausting sometimes because i am a sole parent. but now that she’s older, she actually offers to help out sometimes, and always does what she can when i’m sick to help out, which shows me that she appreciates it.
thanks for the great post, so nice to know you are not the only parent out there going against the grain so to speak!
Oh thank you Vicki!! I really feel the way my mom raised me made a huge positive impact in my life and I just couldn’t imagine making the same choice for my own children!
Not having chores is the standard for childeren in our country. A lot of the time, children do not even pick up after themselves or tidy their own room, let alone make their beds.
My husband and I talk about this quite a lot, how do we want to raise our child(eren) when it comes to doing chores? We definitely want them to be picking up after themselves for example. But we also want them to help a little around the house. Just a little, maybe ten minutes per day on average. Not because it will lighten our load, but because we feel it is important that they learn to contribute to the family, instead of just thinking of themselves.
Here, we are the exception to the rule and people feel sorry for my son that his mother and father are so ‘harsh’.
A very different perspective everywhere, i think!
Gineke where are you from? You are so right- different cultural norms everywhere! Sounds like you guys have found a good system that works for you and your family so good for you!
This was such a great article! We do have chores at our house but I loved your points and most of all the kindness shown by all of differing opinions. All of your woman are great moms in my book.
Thank you! I just love that there are so many approaches to all aspects of parenting and no single one is right! Just what is right for your family. <3
Thanks Jamy! There are so many ways to be a good mom/dad…it’s all about finding what works for you and your family! Thanks for following!
Wow. This is interesting. I don’t agree. We are a family with 5 children and we homeschool. There is so much to do all day! We do many many chores and we do most of them together. So many memories have we made folding laundry together washing and drying dishes together preparing meals together. All while sharing laughter, serious talks about life, God, on and on. It’s a wonderful time to connect with your children of any age. My children are definitely silly and love being kids, playing with friends, developing musical talents, art, sports, mud pies, mud puddles, lemonade stands,etc. I guess my point is, I don’t understand how chores take away from a child’s ability to be a kid.
Marcy, thanks for your perspective. I think if anything I would hope my readers would have taken away that I truly believe there are different strokes for different folks. Sounds like your family has a system that really works for you guys so kudos to you in that endeavor!
This is absolutely INSANE!! I love it!!! My lil pumpkin is 2.5 and she loves to help because she sees me doing all of it. I am a first time mom at 40, so I love to read & digest all different perspectives. 4 of us were raised alone by my father so we had to do chores because he was always working to put all of us through private school for 12 years. people must understand , as you said, do what you find is right for you. My dad, who is my best friend, is constantly praising me for being such an attentive mother, wife, & homemaker. he never chastises me for taking a completely different approach. I really like this idea and i think i will keep implementing this in our home. Thank you for writing such a courageous post.
Thank you Ada!! I just love your story – and I love that it’s so easy to see that your dad “got it right” just as you will if you take a different perspective. There is no ONE right way! And I must mention since you said your dad is your best friend, please check out my take on that…sounds like we are kindred spirits =) http://www.thecolemines.com/why-i-am-my-childs-best-friend/
I had CHORES!!! with 6 people in the house. One week of dishes. One week of laundry. One week of bathrooms (3). I HATED it. I hated her for making me do it. I was Head Cheerleader, band dancer, basketball statistician, worked after school until 10pm. Plus a B+ to A student. I was exhausted. ALWAYS. I did not do this to my children. They have enough work BEING kids. My thoughts.
That was certainly a LOT to manage! Yes I do embrace that their job is just to be children…sounds like we are on the same page =)
You didn’t mention at what age you feel childhood ends? Suppose they do not go to college? when they come home for the summer? i have taught 3rd grade in several states and my students are rarely even required to clean their rooms or clear their plates (I have always thought of those things as chores) so I am surprised that in your area chores that exceed those resposibilities are the norm! Growing up we all pitched in, there was no sense of parent versus child, we all ate, we all tracked dust,we all were students of something, we all had extra-curriculars, dad bowled, mom had bridge, etc. So we weren’t taught that those things end with the end of childhood. so all in all, new perspective! thanks.
I’m a big proponent of personal responsibility so my girls are expected to clean up their plates, put their clothes away etc. But you are right – I don’t see those as chores…just part of being a cog in the wheel!
I am not trying to start a debate, I just Want to share the flip side of the “no chores” approach. I, too, grew up in a family where any “chores” other than picking up after myself were not given. I am now 37 years old and it is a DAILY struggle for me to keep a clean house because it was never ingrained in me to do so. It was never made part of my routine. I never learned how.
My children have chores. It is not a “mundane list” they have to stick to. It is more of a, “Hey, Ali, can you unload the dishwasher for me, please? Thank you.” Sometimes she just helps me clean. My personal opinion is that we need to teach this generation from a young age that not everything is about their comfort and sometimes we have to do things for the greater good, not just ourselves. Our society has become very entitled/narcissistic and we need to stop that.
Having said that, to each their own. We all need to do what is best for our families and the fact that this method worked for you means there is a great chance it will work for your kids. I just wanted to show the “flip side”.
Carrie thanks for your comment! I agree whole heartedly that what works for one family might not for another. Sounds like you and your kids have found a happy medium that works for you all!
Moderation in all things 🙂
There is certainly a lot of truth in those words!
Thank you so much for this! I just found your blog and this post really resonated with me. People are always amazed that I didn’t have chores growing up, and I am now raising my daughter the same way! As I grew older, I would volunteer to help out because I enjoyed it, and it wasn’t forced on me. I am absolutely the most “domesticated” of my friends, in fact, I get teased a lot, playfully, because I can’t even leave the house without the beds being made! as my daughter grows (she is 7), she will sometimes ask to help with what I’m doing, again, because she is enjoying herself and feels proud! I think she is learning just fine by watching and participating voluntarily:). But her job right now is to play and learn and enjoy the simplicity of childhood❤️
Oh Hilary we are already kindred spirits with our names! (mine is just a double l) =) Sounds like your 7 year old is growing up just like my 7 year old!
I have two grown sons and raised them pretty much as you did. They are both neatniks even though the only jobs they had were picking up after themselves, etc. one of them loves to cook also. They learned by watching and their wives appreciate that they now help around the house. The one job I did give them when they were teenagers was doing their own laundry as I didn’t want them to expect future wives to take care of everything and wanted them to know how not to turn everything denim blue! One of MY greatest joys was watching them play and I wish I could do those years again.
I just loved your comment – it’s even more affirmation for what I already feel…the kids will learn what they need to in due time. I think one of the biggest ways our children learn is in the example we set for them. My girls see me cleaning and picking up and in response, they know things should be tidy and orderly!
Children have a few short years to just be kids and so much to learn, but, have a lot longer to be a adult and work hard.. ÷ Enjoy the childhood as long as possible you will be an adult a lot longer.
Yes! I’m so thankful for what my mom gave to me…I have many many years of being an adult! Thank you!
You are speaking my heart and your mom is speaking my mom’s heart. I get equally irritated when people find issues in my parent’s parenting and also in their own parent’s parenting. I am like suck it up its just personal approach.
So true!
I’ve watched my two lovelies grow in grace and confidence to the point that now, at 20 and 21, they are jacks of many trades and masters of an admirable number given their tender ages. I wasn’t growing kids–I was growing adults, so they were given loving lessons in age-appropriate chores and skills throughout the years, and we worked together–because that’s what families do–to accomplish what our family needed done. Now they are amazed at their sometimes timid and sometimes handicapped peers. their confidence and aplomb are inspiring to me AND to their less-able friends. We played–and we played together–but we also worked together. you know someone better and deeper by working with them and for them than by any other method (and my favorite friend and I do our mending together, still, for just that reason).
I think it’s wonderful you and your family had a system that worked great for you! My girls are taught personal responsibility and to take pride in their home – we just don’t do “chores” =)
My mother did what you are doing.I had very little chores. My brother had absolutely no chores. We’ve turned to be laziest adults ever. My brother doesn’t even a pick a glass himself. I always felt little training in the childhood doesn’t do any harm. Not at 30 I learned housekeeping and became a better homemaker by watching YouTube tuturials. I always feels like I learned basic life skills very late .This philosophy definitely didn’t work for us. I’ll surely give chores for my son. Good luck with your approach. Things work different for different people.
Please keep in mind that I am not encouraging laziness…only personal responsibility and the chance to be a child. =)
This is such an interesting perspective. At first I thought I was going to disagree with you, but then I realised that I didn’t have many chores growing up as kid either. It was just good manners. Helping prep the dinner table, putting away our plates and tidying up our toys. We didn’t actually do anything else other than play. It’s interesting, as I’ve seen a number of TV shows where the mothers do everything and the kids just slack around getting waited on hand and foot and I thought I’d never want to become that mum with those lazy kids. But it’s just how you look at it that makes the difference. Teaching respect, by helping with basic things, is very different to teaching a child how to do manual chores for the sake of knowing how to do it. A big difference in my opinion. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this.
Yes you totally understand my perspective! It’s the opposite of raising lazy kids AND the opposite of raising kids with lists and lists of chores!
Great concept but overall does not work! This contributes to the poor work ethic and self entitlement that our younger generation has adopted. Do your homework and read up on all the studies that show this type of parenting has been a leading cause in the younger generation not being equipped to be successful on there own!
I appreciate your thoughts but if you read the article closely I encourage my kids to have personal responsibility and clean up their space. But I can’t agree that lists of chores will make them grow up and be any more or less successful.
We had the same mom I think! I had a beautiful childhood because of it, too! I granted my children the same luxury, unfortunately they didn’t realize it, so when they decided to try living at dads they were put to work. Their stepmom sleeps all day and they are 3 little Cinderellas with time to rest, but man, do they appreciate their childhood now! After being promised greener grass for so years they believed it, they couldn’t believe they had found it too much to clean their room and actually said “we wished we had just cleaned our rooms!” not to say chores are wrong but all of them, yeah that’s wrong. And the job of being a kid ended up being a fond memory, and a tool for realizing how good they had it, despite what they were always told at the time.