In response to one of my recent posts about why daddy is more fun than mommy, I received a lot of negative comments. So I thought I should let my readers know why I am happy to be a June Cleaver in a feminist world.
A few weeks ago, I posted an article listing the 10 Reasons Daddy is More Fun than Mommy. I half-jokingly noted that my husband is usually the “fun” one in our house because I’m the one cleaning, cooking, setting up doctor’s appointments, planning birthday parties, etc. And what I said is absolutely true. But it also didn’t go into detail about why I’m okay with this so-called division of labor.
In response to my article, one person told me in no uncertain terms that my family life was certainly off balance and that I must be confused when I described my husband as a wonderful father and husband.
But here’s the question I would throw back at all of those nay-sayers – straight from the mouth of talk show host Phil McGraw – “How’s that working for you?”
There is a lot of truth in the old adage Different Strokes for Different Folks. What works for one family isn’t going to work for another. What works for parenting one child doesn’t necessarily work for another one…even if both the kids are yours!
In marriage, just as all facets of our lives, we have to figure out what we enjoy doing, what we don’t mind doing and what we hate doing. And more importantly, when we love someone else, we have to figure out how those three things mesh with that person’s opinion on the same 3 items.
So here’s the things I didn’t share with you about what my
HUSBAND does to make our little family tick:
– He works extremely hard in a very non 9-5 job so that I can stay home with our two kids. When Bryan and I first got married, we both worked full-time but once my daughter was born, I felt like I was punched in the stomach at the very mention of me going back to work. Bryan knew this, respected it, and found a way to work even harder so that we could afford for me to stay home.
– He always takes the trash out. Like ALWAYS. My friends who know me well are never surprised to come visit me and find 3 bags of trash thrown just outside my laundry door into the garage. You see, the roll-out trash can is outside and those few extra steps are just a pain for me. So Bryan comes home each night and dutifully carries all the trash out.
– If it’s outside, my husband handles it. Mowing the grass, planting flowers, bug spray, playground, etc. Even though I actually enjoy mowing the grass, he knows it’s too hard for me to manage with the girls any more.
– I don’t do oil changes…or inspections, or tire rotations or anything else to do with a car. I drive them and that’s about it.
And while we are on that subject…
– I haven’t washed my car in the past 13 years. No matter the mess he finds inside, Bryan washes and vacuums my van at least once a week.
– If I can dream up a home improvement project, Bryan can make it happen. He used all his vacation time when we first got married to put up crown moulding in our whole house…himself with no help. He’s painted, cut trim, laid tile, installed fans, and created kids’ work stations all with a smile on his face.
– He follows my lead in this parenting thing. Not because he doesn’t have great ideas and isn’t an awesome dad. But because he’s smart and he knows I spend all of my time with our girls and he’s only here after 7 pm and on the weekends. So he trusts me – he trusts that I know what is best for the girls, he trusts that I understand their needs better and he thinks I’m a really good mom. So he gives me ideas and we brainstorm when we need to but in general, he thinks I’m doing a good job and supports me.
– Not a day goes by that Bryan doesn’t compliment me. Even when I feel blah and gross, he tells me I’m beautiful. When I feel like a failure as a mom, he hugs me and assures me I’m the best mom in the world.
Honestly, I could go on and on…because my husband does SO MANY things to make our marriage and home work. And while it may not be right for someone else, it is just right for us.
So, yes, some may look at my way of life and think I am a relic of the past living in a feminist world. But I think just the opposite. I think what an amazing time I live in and that I am just the kind of “feminist” the word originally defined – a woman who can do anything a man can do and chooses to forge her own path with that knowledge. I know in my heart everything I do, Bryan could handle. And everything he does, I could do or learn to do just as well.
But why would we? What we have found is a perfect balance in which both of us feel the other is a true partner in this parenting and marriage thing and neither of us feel taken advantage of. And I think any successful partnership will always include those two things!
ahh… I knew there was a reason we were friends. 😉 Loved it (& love you guys!)
And to those readers that will read this: IF YOU WANT TO SEE A TRULY SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE – THIS IS IT. THEY ARE AMAZING TOGETHER. (I’ve seen it in real life! 😉 )
Respectful of one another, sweet to each other, loving, honest & adorable.
Such a great post, Hillary.
Aw thanks Becky! We do see a lot of one another in real life!
Love this post and the other post that resulted in a need for THIS post. What I love about this family is that they truly love each other. They care about each other, work hard for what they are blessed with, and they love spending time doing things together, all the time. As a family. In a society where divorce is the easy way out, this family wouldn’t have their lifestyle any other way. Yes, what works for one family may or may not work for another, but for this family IT WORKS. There is so much joy and respect inside this household, I’m proud to be an extension of this family. XOXO
Great post on showing appreciation for your spouse. We should all do more of this when possible. Thanks for the reminder, Hillary!
Thanks Becky!
Beautifully written, and a strong testimony to your marriage relationship. We need to brag on our husbands!! My husband does all of those things too and I am so thankful! I would add to that list that I can’t remember the last time I put gas in my car.
Chellie you are right! Growing up my Dad was always my gas man and then it became my hubby!
This is so sweet! I absolutely love seeing posts like this although I’m sorry it was spurred by someone insulting your way of doing things. Such a shame some people don’t follow the “If you can’t say something nice” rule anymore
Haha Ashley I don’t think most people know that rule anymore! Ha!
You can still be a June Cleaver and be a feminist! This is where many times the feminist movement gets it wrong. As long as being a staying at home mom is a personal choice and not a role that you were forced into, you’re living your life according to feminist ideals. Why is that that stay at home moms get looked down on and stay at home dads are put on a pedestal? Now, if say, you worked a full time job and then had to come home and do all the housework, I’d call your husband out. But as a stay at home mom (or dad because gender doesn’t have to determine who stays home), your covering the extras chores so that your family life is balanced (ie. your husband doesn’t have to come home and help with all of the chores while NOBODY gives their time to the kids). It makes the family run smoother and allows more free time together. Ain’t nothin’ bad about that! FYI, I’m not a stay at home mom, but my husband works ridiculous hours (like 8am-11pm some days) in spring/summer/fall, so even though I work full time I take on the brunt of the housework. I don’t think that still insisting housework is split in a case like that would make me a feminist, it would just make me selfish.
Thank you Bonnie! You totally get me! That’s why I ended the article saying I am exactly what the definition of feminism originally meant…a woman who can do anything a man can do and forging her own path with that knowledge! Thanks for reading!
Our family operates much like yours and I wouldn’t change it for the world! You’re exactly right, different strokes! What the other “side” needs to realize is that we enjoy what we do and the balance works!
Lacy I so agree! As long as we are all happy, that’s what really matters!
Personally I would love this type of relationship/partnership/family dynamic. Unfortunately, I’m unable to stay home and have to work outside of it. i AM fortunate that it is only part time. you may be a ‘relic’ of the past, but it’s not always because you’re the only one who wants to be. many of us do, but just can’t financially. of course, we may still be the minority, but at least we know we aren’t alone.
ps envious of all that your husband does for you and your family. I think much of what is missing is due to the roles society teaches both genders. and it’s a shame. I just pray my daughters one day find a man like yours.
Thank you Rae! He is a keeper and honestly it makes what I do so much easier…because we both know we are fulfilling roles toward an end goal – a happy family!
see, now I think you can be a une Cleaver AND a FEMINIST. TO ME, FEMINISM IS ABOUT CHOICE. yOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR LIFESTYLE, THE ONE THAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. tHAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS!
see, now I think you can be a June Cleaver AND a FEMINIST. TO ME, FEMINISM IS ABOUT CHOICE. yOU ARE CHOOSING YOUR LIFESTYLE, THE ONE THAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. tHAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS!
Sarah I’m with you! True feminism is about making a choice that works for you! Not everyone believes that unfortunately!
Thank you so much for this post. I have been trying to tell people this for years. I think it’s wonderful that women have gained respect in the world and aren’t expected to be subservient to men, but I think that along the way we created a different problem. Women are no longer respected in our traditional roles, and a woman who enjoys staying home with her kids and cooking supper for her husband is wasting her potential and betraying all of womankind. Let’s remember that true equality means having the opportunity to live whatever life best suits your personality and makes you feel fulfilled. I respect women who become doctors and lawyers. I appreciate how hard they work and how much good they do for others. Is it too much to ask that they respect my choice of a career as a professional mom?