Jealousy In Parenthood

Jealousy in parenthood is hard. So many things to compare…so many people to do it with. Can we ever find happiness?

My friends, jealousy is a really hard thing. It’s hard to deal with, hard to admit you feel it, hard to try and get over.

It’s just hard.

It shows up when you least expect it with the people you would like to think you wouldn’t feel it toward. It pops up when I’m feeling down, pushed to the brink, beyond exhausted…I guess that’s the trifecta when it comes to jealousy. It knows just when to show up.

MY STORY

For any of you that follow the blog, you may know my oldest daughter has battled multiple chronic, though non life threatening, sicknesses since birth. Her birth seemed to catapult her into this life…she came out not breathing, with the cord wrapped around her neck and in shock from an emergency C-section where my own Doctor was on the table telling me to please pray.

From then on, the past 7 years have been a long and winding journey to see just what is “wrong” with Hannah. She’s been chronically sick for most of her life, though her incessant and contagious smile would never give it away. Making lemonade seems to be her life’s motto.

But recently, after having 2 sinus surgeries within 4 months of each other…I thought this summer…THIS SUMMER…was going to be OUR summer. It was going to be the first summer where she wasn’t sick every day. When we wouldn’t be trekking from the ENT to the Pediatrician to the Pulmonologist to the Orthodontist to the Allergist.

This was going to be that summer where we stayed up too late watching movies. Hitting every park in our small town. Playdates and picnic lunches and the pool. This was going to be Hannah’s finest hour.

Except it wasn’t. Just before school let out in June, Hannah started complaining of a severe sore throat and stomach ache. We have seen every specialist you can imagine and are scheduled for what I hope will be the definitive test this coming Monday.

IN THE MEANWHILE

But in the meanwhile, we have spent our days at various doctors’ offices. I have spent every free moment doing my own research as to the cause of these symptoms. I have prayed. And I have cried. And I have found myself falling deeper into a place I really don’t like.

And I have prayed a lot more.

But having a sick child, whether it’s a week or a year or a lifetime, can be isolating. For you and for your child. And don’t forget their siblings.

So I feel badly when I see my friends with their healthy kids and a little sting hits my heart. I feel guilty that I feel jealous of them…my dearest friends whom I love like family.

But I so badly want what they have.

Because jealousy, at its core, is not about wanting to take away from someone but simply wanting to share in it.

Jealousy rears it’s head when it comes to money, marriage, homes, health, happiness….

But here is what I have learned. These lessons have been cultivated over the years…none have come easy and every single one I have to remind myself of.

Jealousy is less about the person you are jealous of and more about what you feel is missing in your life.

Jealousy in a friendship is a sure fire way to lose that friend. You cannot expect a friend to give up/feel badly they have something you do not.

Being jealous over things you have control over isn’t jealousy…it’s laziness.

Jealousy will never be the solution.

THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON

And perhaps the lesson I have learned that I find most important…

when I have been at my lowest, when jealousy wants to get the firmest grip…these have been the times when my friends and family have shown up more than ever.

This summer when Hannah was so sick and I felt like I was in a never-ending hamster wheel of going from one doctor to the next…my good friend Shannon texted and asked if she could come pray over Hannah.

We all sat on the bed and took turns praying for my daughter…for the doctors to help her…for me to have patience.

As I sat there that night, with tears streaming down my face…tears of exhaustion and tears of joy…I realized that jealousy can only gain a foothold if YOU allow it.

So whatever it may be that you think you are missing or aren’t as good at in parenting, take a moment. Find gratitude for the place you are in – the good, the bad – there’s always a place for gratitude.

And gratitude has a sneaky little way of pushing jealousy back out the door.